You said that you should always be nice to everyone. Those little things that you dont even think about, might mean the world to other people. That smile in the hallway, just a hello- might keep someone alive.
Well, it looks like Im just a lost cause.
That smile I always used to get, quickly turned into averting your eyes. The hellos dissolved into walking right past and not saying a thing.
I guess Im not worth the effort. All the effort that it takes to smile or say hello just must be too much for you.
Dont feel bad- its not just you. Everyone seems to be doing it. Maybe youre just following the crowd-
I thought the end of the year was supposed to get better. Carefree, no work, playful, happiness day after day.
Dont seem so.
With every day it gets harder and harder. The workload is more. Its more things I dont understand. The smiles and laughs are becoming less and less.
Everything is just piling up.
Theres only so much time before I
b
r
e
a
k.
Here she is.
The quietest girl in class. The one who doesnt talk to anyone. She sits there and doesnt volunteer one single answer. She comes and goes without a word every day. Perhaps you get a small smile if you catch her eye; perhaps. Its not like you even know her name.
You could never see the pain that she is hiding. She would never let you. And even if she did- its not like you would notice. Shes just another girl.
Shes not invisible. No. Shes just the one that is always there. You notice her. But you dont notice her.
No one ever does.
There are so many things that she wants to do.
Stand up and scream.
Run away.
Tell everyone what she really feels.
Cry her heart out.
Start going and never look back.
There are a million things that she wants to do. But she just cant bring herself to.
The time is ticking away. She wishes it would just
S.T.O.P.
Stop for her to think. To breathe. To just be.
Or perhaps she just wanted time to stop only for her. She wanted everything to just. Stop. She wanted to cease to exist.
But that kind of pleasure would not be bestowed upon her any time soon.
It was those moments that you lived for.
Those moments you just couldnt help but have a huge grin on your face. That indescribable feeling that was so wonderful. The laughing that annoyed everyone, but you just really didnt care. The silent giggles that were unstoppable. Your friends laughter that made you happy no matter what. The rush of hearing a piece of music, or seeing a show for the first, or millionth time, and getting goosebumps. The feeling leaving you wanting more. The moments that you want to cherish forever, and never forget.
It was those moments that made you feel alive.
To you, Ive always been the happy child. The one whos face is always lit up in a smile.
Well, maybe you dont notice. Or maybe I just dont let you see. Im not your little ray of sunshine.
You never get to see the tears streaming down my face, the silent sobs into the darkness, my heart breaking more and more each day, all the pain that I feel.
And you probably never will.
To Whomever May Find This,
You may not know this. But I truly am not happy. I can shield it with a good time once in a while. A good laugh with friends. But it always ends up going back to the same old thing. Depressed. Sad. Lonely. Upset.
I try to do whatever I can for other people. But this time, this one is only for me. (Selfish, I know, right?)
Im sick of this. Im sick of everything that goes on. I cant handle this anymore. I just need to go away. I need an escape.
Perhaps I will find it. But then again, maybe I wont.
I would love to say Im leaving.
Curtain.
Six.
Like was great. School was a blast. You loved every minute of it. You made friends left and right. You did not know of anything bad in the world yet. You lived life moment to moment and didnt even know it.
Twelve.
You made your friends. They were the people you spend your life with. Every day that you possibly could.
Thirteen.
Suddenly youre thrust into junior high. Your friends change and shift. Getting some new, slipping away from some old. Your first real taste of drama.
Fifteen.
You were finally in high school. Sure, you were the freshman. But it passed in a blur. Friends shifted and changed, but you felt
You said that you should always be nice to everyone. Those little things that you dont even think about, might mean the world to other people. That smile in the hallway, just a hello- might keep someone alive.
Well, it looks like Im just a lost cause.
That smile I always used to get, quickly turned into averting your eyes. The hellos dissolved into walking right past and not saying a thing.
I guess Im not worth the effort. All the effort that it takes to smile or say hello just must be too much for you.
Dont feel bad- its not just you. Everyone seems to be doing it. Maybe youre just following the crowd-
I thought the end of the year was supposed to get better. Carefree, no work, playful, happiness day after day.
Dont seem so.
With every day it gets harder and harder. The workload is more. Its more things I dont understand. The smiles and laughs are becoming less and less.
Everything is just piling up.
Theres only so much time before I
b
r
e
a
k.
Here she is.
The quietest girl in class. The one who doesnt talk to anyone. She sits there and doesnt volunteer one single answer. She comes and goes without a word every day. Perhaps you get a small smile if you catch her eye; perhaps. Its not like you even know her name.
You could never see the pain that she is hiding. She would never let you. And even if she did- its not like you would notice. Shes just another girl.
Shes not invisible. No. Shes just the one that is always there. You notice her. But you dont notice her.
No one ever does.
There are so many things that she wants to do.
Stand up and scream.
Run away.
Tell everyone what she really feels.
Cry her heart out.
Start going and never look back.
There are a million things that she wants to do. But she just cant bring herself to.
The time is ticking away. She wishes it would just
S.T.O.P.
Stop for her to think. To breathe. To just be.
Or perhaps she just wanted time to stop only for her. She wanted everything to just. Stop. She wanted to cease to exist.
But that kind of pleasure would not be bestowed upon her any time soon.
It was those moments that you lived for.
Those moments you just couldnt help but have a huge grin on your face. That indescribable feeling that was so wonderful. The laughing that annoyed everyone, but you just really didnt care. The silent giggles that were unstoppable. Your friends laughter that made you happy no matter what. The rush of hearing a piece of music, or seeing a show for the first, or millionth time, and getting goosebumps. The feeling leaving you wanting more. The moments that you want to cherish forever, and never forget.
It was those moments that made you feel alive.
To you, Ive always been the happy child. The one whos face is always lit up in a smile.
Well, maybe you dont notice. Or maybe I just dont let you see. Im not your little ray of sunshine.
You never get to see the tears streaming down my face, the silent sobs into the darkness, my heart breaking more and more each day, all the pain that I feel.
And you probably never will.
To Whomever May Find This,
You may not know this. But I truly am not happy. I can shield it with a good time once in a while. A good laugh with friends. But it always ends up going back to the same old thing. Depressed. Sad. Lonely. Upset.
I try to do whatever I can for other people. But this time, this one is only for me. (Selfish, I know, right?)
Im sick of this. Im sick of everything that goes on. I cant handle this anymore. I just need to go away. I need an escape.
Perhaps I will find it. But then again, maybe I wont.
I would love to say Im leaving.
Hey, I don't know if anyone even follows me anymore, or cares. But I obviously haven't used this in a while. I'm on tumblr, and have been for a long time. So, if you're interested, you should follow me there. http://immafermata.tumblr.com/
Thanks.
Wow, I haven't updated my journal since school started. That is pretty crazy, I will not lie.
Well- I've posted some new stuff recently. Today I deleted all the old things that I had. I went from almost two hundred deviations to thirty nine. O_O Loootsa bad things. I also updated my profile picture.
Feels good now that I've gotten that out of the way.
I have some ideas for some more little story things like the last few I posted. We'll just have to wait until I find time to write them. Boo school.
Well- that's all for now. I was just sick of looking at that really old journal everytime I went to my page. xD
So, school started today. Nothing particularly exciting happened. We had like fifteen/twenty minute classes which basically consisted of everyone saying hi, taking attendence, and talking a little about the upcoming school year. Blahblahblah. School = antibueno.
Tomorrow is marching band! So that's A+. :)