i cut out paper stars and color them black. on starless nights, i drop them from my rooftop and watch them fall, slowly, and fade into the grass below.
and as they fall, i wish on them. it's the same wish, over and over and over.
.
'what do you want most?' you ask me, your warm brown eyes staring into my dark ones.
but i have to look away. i'll never be able to tell you that the only thing i want anymore is for you to be happy.
.
'i'm sorry,' i tell you over the phone, my eyes staring at an empty wall in my room.
'for what?' you ask, confused.
'i failed,' i say, wrapping a blanket around me. 'i failed.'
because none of those wishes h
the sky is cold when i tell you that i don't have a heart.
'of course you do,' you tell me. 'you have to.'
but i don't. and you spent so many minutes of that day trying to find my heartbeat, your warm fingers on my icy wrists, searching and searching for something you couldn't find.
and it hurts that even you couldn't prove me wrong.
.
i drew a chalk heart on my concrete drive way and pretended it replaced my missing one.
but it was lopsided and terrible. the rain ended up washing it away in the end, and i could only stand there in the rain and watch as my messy scribbles faded away.
.
i wrote my heart a letter, asking it if it missed
before, she would look at the stars and wonder if her someone was out there, somewhere, looking at the same ones. she'd dream of magic and flying and wishes that come true. she'd say tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be better. and she hoped it would be.
silence didn't scare her back then. see, she was too busy looking at the clouds and comets to worry about the imperfections and the dangers of flying.
open doors didn't remind her of people leaving. they just reminded her of chances, risks worth taking. her heart sang a lullaby filled of hope and happiness and learning how to stand again, learning how to breathe. her heart still knew
i used to reach for you, like
standing on tip-toes on a
skyscraper to reach the sky,
but you were always just out of reach
and I was out of place
and somehow my soul got lost in the atmosphere.
i lose myself in the memories of
us and wonder how much of it was ever
real.
was i a fool
for believing you
ever cared?
[i'm afraid that the answer
is yes.]
sometimes i look at my life
and wonder where you went
until i realize it doesn't
matter. the only thing that matters
is that you are
gone.
your love is a disease,
and i have no cure.
and now,
my soul is lost.
i live my life as an
empty shell, watching
the lights flickering
my mind replays
memories of us
each night, and
i am lost, lost
lost
in the shadows of
your eyes, the curve
of your almost-smiles,
the lullabies in your
voice, the sound of
your footsteps.
don't wake me up
just yet.
.
i told you that
i would change, that
i'd paint the sky violet
for you, that i would
miss you, and i could
catch you a rainbow,
or a heart beat,
or star, or a smile,
or whatever you want,
but 'whatever you want'
was not me, and
i was never enough
to make you stay.
.
all i ever wanted
was for you to say
'i love you',
but i guess
some things
are better left unsaid.